Spring, for me, not only means that my sinuses will start to clog almost as much as my lawn mower, but also that my pasty-white skin will start its pale-pink reaction to the sun.

It wouldn't be so bad if the pink turned to the goddess golden bronze sported by fashion models, but mine merely maintains a chalkish hue more reminiscent of Morticia Addams or Casper the ghost. Surely I suffer a melanin deficiency - only one more reason to stay inside.

What is so great about the great outdoors, anyway?cIndoors seems pretty good to me. I love my house and every comfortable, modern convenience inside it. Spring forces me to face the outside of my house and every weed and dirty window awaiting me.

For me, hell will surely be yard work. I'm amazed at the number of people who spend hour after hour manicuring and pampering their lawns. We've had neighbors who guarded their lawns like Buckingham Palace. Children in the neighborhood knew never to ride their bikes through those lawns, or God forbid, walk on them when sidewalks were available.

I, on the other hand, used to encourage the kids to play in our yard when our boys were young. "That's it, kids. Stomp on that grass - the thinner the better. Less left to mow!"

Just when I think my yard looks perfectly presentable, I see the neighbors dragging out huge bags of mulch and spreading it around. What is mulch, anyway? A friend of mine says it is nothing more than show business, but I don't find it in the least bit entertaining. To mulch or not to mulch, that is the question. Do you think Adam and Eve put mulch in the Garden of Eden and made sure there were no dandelions? And what about all those leaves left from fall that I never got around to raking before winter arrived? They are stuck in what should be my flower gardens, but since arthritis started in my wrists there are fewer and fewer flowers and more and more weeds taking over.

I know I need to have the entire thing dug out and replaced with sod. Anything would look better than what I have now, but it is not going to be cheap to have my entire yard landscaped by a professional. Every spring I make a more feeble attempt at weeding, and I don't know which gives out first - my wrists or my sinuses. It doesn't matter. I find myself giving up and heading for the great indoors. I find shutting the blinds helps and beats the heck out of sticking my head in the proverbial sand/or weeds awaiting me.

I have simply never been a fan of outdoor activity, other than tennis. I definitely am not the back-to-nature type who appreciates camping. The closest I want to come to camping is my picture window or a really nice hotel. If I want to "commune with nature," I can always talk to my plants.

I need to make peace with the fact that some people are simply more prone to the sedentary lifestyle. I'm most content curled up on the couch with a good book. If I feel any real need for exercise other than tennis, I can always start flipping the remote control.

It is possible that I suffer from a genetic defect. My parents were from the country, and they loved the outdoors. They raised a huge garden every year. My friends used to wonder if I was adopted since I didn't know anything about gardening and didn't care to learn. If I want something from a garden now, I go to Kroger's salad bar.

I hope I don't offend lovers of the great outdoors. I simply want to stand up for the silent minority who prefer indoor living. I will stoically suffer through spring and summer as I eagerly await the return of fabulous fall followed by the coziness of winter.

In the meantime, if you hear of a lawn service offering Astroturf, let me know.

Connie Meyer writes regularly for Today's Transitions. You can reach Connie at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .